Letting Go

I hated school mostly as my experience was not a nice one. Often I hear people reminisce about their youth and the fun times and wanting to relive them. No thank you. I was often the outcast, the last picked for whatever. When you are young and overweight, children are unnaturally cruel.

When I started high school I hoped things would change. They did. It got worse.

It’s been a very long time since high school and now it is time to let go of the anger, let go of the fear and finally forgive you for what you did to me.

To B,
I don’t remember what I did or didn’t do, or said or didn’t say for you to find the energy to beat me everyday for five years. I took your threat seriously; that if I ever told anyone you’d kill me and to this day still have no uttered your name to anyone. I lived in fear. Mondays were always particularly brutal; I guess you were compensating for the weekend. As a tormentor you were quite skilled. You always found me when I was alone somewhere, you never left any bruises as evidence that something was going on.

I have been angry at you for a very long time, and at myself for never having the courage to break the cycle. You destroyed my youth. I had no friends. I lost the will to try and form friendships. You took from me my self worth and my self esteem.

It wasn’t until many years later, that my first girlfriend Jane suspected that I was a broken person. From her I learnt some valuable lessons.

The journey has been long and I honestly thought I would never find a time when I would forgive you for what you did to me.
B, I forgive you and hope that life has blessed you with the same happiness that I now enjoy.

I spent many years putting up barriers to protect myself from people. Those barriers kept me safe and mostly alone. The barriers became second nature. I didn’t like my past and certainly didn’t want to remember it nor discuss it with anyone ever again.  I wanted to avoid any and all situations that would result in me being hurt again.

Recently though I have discovered something truly beautiful in the poetry of B.G. Bowers. Her words have been able to shed away barriers that hide away my past and let me come to grips with those moments in my life that were both very sad and amazingly joyful. A sincere and heart felt thank you for your poetry.

I still have difficulty in forming friends and have very few to this date.  I have started a journey to form new friends with three pen-pals; all of whom I hope will be part of the rest of my life. Thank you for writing back to me, and we are still writing.

Finally a thanks to my wife, with whom my life would not be complete without. It literally was love at first sight. We’ve been blessed with two wonderful kids. I know life is hard sometimes but we always come out on top.

I think I feel a little better now.

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5 thoughts on “Letting Go

  1. Oh my. I’m at a loss for words. Thank you for sharing your story, for your vulnerability and honesty. Cruelty, whether it’s directed at animals or people, is something that I will simply never understand If I had the power to eradicate just 1 evil from the world – it would be cruelty.

    Your story and your journey is deeply touching and words cannot describe how honoured I feel that some of my poetry, some of which was also born out of my own experiences with cruel people, has helped you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! You have given me the greatest compliment I could ask for.

    I totally relate to your experience of school. I also detested school and most of the people I went to school with. I wasn’t bullied, but I was always on the outskirts, never quite belonging, always going against the grain and swimming against the tide. So, I understand your sense of isolation. All the friendships I have now were forged post-school. I find it mildly amusing that most of the people I went to school with still move in the same circles. It’s as if their lives are exactly the same. No real life experience. No change. No growth.

    I am sorry that you had to experience so much pain in order to get to where you are today, but I am also proud of you.

    I am posting a poem today that I am dedicating to you. I wrote it in 1997 and it’s called “Walls”. And, I will leave you with 2 beautiful, apt quotes from Maya Angelou:

    “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

    “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”

    ♥♥♥

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