A recurring thing with me, despite how much a try and how much effort I put into whatever I’m doing; there is always someone who comes along and does it better. Whatever it is, it just clicks with them. They are better at it, it comes easier to them.
For a long time, that stuff used to piss me off. Why is this always happening to me. Recently I had this realization that its all a matter of perspective. I’m only seeing how I feel when this happens to me. I’ve been blinded side by the fact that I’m also this person with regard to things I’m really good at and have this effect on others.
Knowing how I feel is helping me when I interact with others and I’m having this effect on them. Its mostly in relation to my job, but still. I extend some tact, courtesy and due care and I’m better for it.
Funny how some things take decades to learn.
Today I started two weeks of annual leave and as part of that a new approach in my lifestyle change I’m also trying to get going.
So this morning, at 4am, I got dressed and went for a walk. Not a short one either. I was gone a whole hour. I’ve been slowly ramping up the duration of my exercise routines, and to hit the hour mark this morning was a really good feeling.
Endurance-wise I did better than I thought I would, and had no pains as such. Sure I was thorouhgly tired but not sore.
Thats a long way from where I started almost 2 years ago, where even after 5 mins I would be struggling. The weight is slow to come off, but it is.
This past weekend was particularly tough for me. It started off with a flood of memories from 20 years ago from my first girlfriend Jane and her death to cancer. They were strong memories, both painful and joyful. Unfortunately I became somewhat distant to those close to me as I processed these – and while on one hand I wanted to talk to someone, I chose not too. Rightly or wrongly, its something I needed to deal with myself. In some regards, I’m surprised at how this affected me even after all this time. I’m grateful though, as there are far more happy memories to remember in the scheme of things. To this day I still miss her.
That coupled with people around me being silly, bitchy or just plain stupid really got under my skin. I fought tooth and nail mentally to bite my tongue and not lash out at people. I figured if they want to behave like that, its not something I can control; I just steer clear. I took some time, changed my social scenery and reconnected with friends like Brenda from some years ago. It helped being able to just talk casually, not about anything that was upsetting me. Hearing those voices over the wire really made a big difference.