Big

For literally as long as I can remember, I’ve been a big person.

When I was young the other school kids were at the top of their game in terms of being brutally cruel with harsh terms. In the beginning you try to ignore it. It doesn’t help. The verbal tirade continues day in and day out although out primary school.

The bar gets raised a notch when you entire high school. The kids are smarter, the language more abusive. Unfortunately for me I had a tormentor whom inflicted physically pain on top of all the verbal pain. The went on throughout high school.

Throughout all that time, I grew, and I don’t mean physically. Sure, I got older but I also got smarter and more mature. It wasn’t a case of ignoring what was happening to me but more of building up a resistance to it. The words ceased bringing on a torrent of tears, the beatings stopped hurting.

When school ended, I quietly hoped that all the excess attention from being big would stop too. Not the case. Getting “the look” from people when you go somewhere. You know exactly what they are thinking. For a really long time what others thought of my physically appearance was the controlling aspect of my life. I was intelligent enough to know that fad diets and the like just don’t work. So I didn’t pursue them. I knew deep down that what it needed was a life style change but I couldn’t work out a way to achieve that.

So for the better part of the last twenty years, what others; even complete strangers whom I will likely never encounter again; was the dominant control factor. I go to great lengths to dress well and have a good appearance even though my stature is by no means concealable. The advent of the iPod has been one of my saving graces though. People now are often so self-absorbed they don’t notice me, or anyone else.

Being big has its challenges though. There may only be one or two bricks’n’mortar stores per state in this country where I can buy clothes and try it on first. More often its order online, hope it fits and if not go through the hassle of returning it. In my college days I would decline trips to the mall, as it was invariably shopping for clothes and nothing to fit me, so why bother. Sleeping has its own problems and living will continual back and neck pain isn’t a walk in the park. Some nights I sleep in my chair, and while not the most restful of sleeps, at least the pains subsides. I take care in what I eat, and try hard to eat well. Short of starving myself, which is no solution, some weight gain does take place.

Now and again people will say “why don’t you just do some exercise”. Really, I’d never have thought of that on my own. I have several times attempted a life style change to include exercise and all have failed. I have a defect in my ankle, same as my mum, whereby it can give way and I fall over without warning. This has happened several times, a sign that this change was not the right one.

It’s easy to put weight on, seemingly without any effort at all. Getting it off, proving somewhat more difficult. Slowly though the pieces of the puzzle slowly fit into place. Having a few friends that accept me as I am was a very important aspect of this. For one such friend, her friendship has been be invaluable to me. I would hug her if she lived here. One day though I may visit and give her that hug. A supportive family to be there when you start to waiver and lose the will to continue helps too. Its so easy to find an excuse to not do something, but persisting and doing it even when I fell crap, and its raining outside is really hard.

I eventually made my life style change, some 20 years after I acknowledged that it was what was needed. A very long time coming. Every night now I exercise for 15 mins. I’m slowly trying to work that duration up but its hard going. I’ve been doing this now for two months. While I appear to be the same, I do feel better about myself and I know that at least I have started down the path. I honestly don’t know if I will ever be more normal sized and in that there is some fear, as I’ve only ever know what its like to be big.

This was hard for me to write, its deeply personal and has brought back memories, both good and bad. Maybe someone, somewhere who struggles with weight will find this helpful.

Officially an Author

Originally posted on B.G. Bowers:

Hi everyone,

I’m very pleased to announce the publication of my first poetry book, Death and Life.

death-and-life-bg-bowers

This is a huge milestone for me and I owe you all, my WordPress Community, a massive thanks for all of your support and engagement since the inception of my blog in May 2013.

Here are the links:

➤ The print copy is available on Amazon via http://bit.ly/1bvLokE

➤ The Kindle version is available via http://amzn.to/1l80VKY

And, here’s a reminder of what the book is about:

In Death and Life, B.G. Bowers examines an eclectic life journey, masterfully illustrating various psychological, emotional, and spiritual experiences through poetry and essays. Death is not isolated to physical loss, but encompasses figurative deaths arising from innocence lost, depression, unfulfilled dreams, lost love, exile, spiritual death and rejection of childhood paradigms. Fortunately, these mini-deaths present opportunity for growth, evolution and renewal. That is to say…

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Wind

I didn’t fully appreciate until the other day just how much I missed the Wind. The cool gentle caress of it on your skin during a warm day. It’s a simple joy. Here in Australia where I live it has been hot and humid for quite sometime. As such I tend to stay indoors when at home in the comfort of air conditioning. At work, well, its air conditioned anyway, so is my car and the train I commute to work in.

During those moments when I’m between one of the those locales I’m subjected to heat and humidity. Its soul sucking and completely saps away my will. When I arrive at work at 6am, I’m already tired and feel like I haven’t slept. In some cases, I haven’t slept well either, the sticky humidity has made achieving a good nights sleep like some unattainable prize in a game show where the odds are stacked against you.

This past Friday, Mother Nature blessed us with a change in the weather. The temperatures dropped and the wind returned – a cool wind as opposed to the summery blast furnace winds of late. We are only a week or so from Autumn officially commencing, and this was a little early treat letting us all know that Summers harsh stranglehold will soon be over.

When I disembarked the train, I stood still for a whole minute and just let the wind embrace me with its gentle ( ok, not so gentle as it was a bit gusty ) cool touch.

It was an amazing feeling. I felt invigorated. When I got to my car, I put down all the windows and took a more leisurely drive home and just enjoyed the wind blowing on my face.

Valentine’s Day

The day is fast approaching again and while it occurs the same time each year, this year I’m not leaving things to the last minute.

I order my flowers from RosesOnly.com.au. I found a lovely rose arrangement, presented in a Rose Teacup and Saucer with an appropriate box. I stepped through the order process quite happily.

Yep, date of delivery 14th Feb. Hmmm, apparently not. I wasn’t allowed to order this for delivery then. I was presented with a link of eligible candidates. Wow, talk about putting a premium on flowers. This was a bit annoying. I could get something delivered on the 14th, if I was prepared to pay to rather outlandish price.

My lovely wife will be surprised then when she gets her Valentine’s flowers and dark chocolates tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine’s Day when it finally gets to you.

A day in paradise (not)

This past weekend was absolutely horrible. The building where my workplace is located were required to carry out repairs to the buildings power grid which required all electrically equipment to be turned off.

What this meant for a colleague and myself, weekend work. Unlike lots of places we don’t get paid for weekend work, there is no overtime or any other form of compensation. It’s an expectation/requirement of our jobs to be able to work on these occasions.
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Circles

Throughout my life I’ve heard terms like best friend or circle of friends and a array of similar terms both indicating some form of structure to friendship.   It alludes to a form of hierarchy that is established between yourself and another individual.  I’ve personally always found this to be confusing.

When I look at the friends I currently have; there are those that are closest to me, my dearest of friends who number only a few.   The next circle outward, good friends that I have measures with what personal information I share with them.   These circles keep extending outward.  Towards the outer edges, those that I keep in touch with on an irregular basis.

The relative position of friends within these circles can and does change as the friendship changes.   Some friendships grow very strong while others fade.   It just seems to be the way it is.

I have come to the realization that while I might see a friend being in one of the closer circles that this relationship may not be reciprocated and I may not be held in the same regard from their perspective.    It is certainly an odd feeling.   Knowing that I consider someone close and from their perspective treated more of an acquaintance.    Emotionally this has left me a little perturbed  but it is what it is.   Its almost as if some barrier exists that prevents transitioning to the next inner most circle.

It has left me thinking though, are there friends that I have that feel as I do; where they have placed me in a close circle of friendship and I’ve not recognized it.    Oh life is complicated sometimes.

It sinks in

Its only been a few days since my wife and daughter left for the USA for a holiday.   Since our marriage some 14 years ago we haven’t been apart for more than a few days and then at those times she wasn’t far away.

Today was the first day it really hit home just how much I miss them.   A few times a tear caught my eye.  The next two weeks are going to be tough on me.  My son doesn’t quite fathom just how far away they really are.   The innocence of youth is amazing.

I think maybe a good nights sleep would really help, haven’t been sleeping well either since they left.   I know they are in safe hands and are having an amazing time.

 

The Doom-sayers

In four days, my wife and daughter will be travelling to the USA. A unique opportunity for them to go. We had planned originally for all of us to go as a family but financial circumstances didn’t develop as we had hoped. In any event, once we broke the good news to our respective families that they were going, all the doom and gloom started to flow.

What if…..
Oh you shouldn’t go because….
Did you know…..

We are excited over the prospect of the holiday and I thought that our families would also be thrilled for us too. Now I regret telling them anything at all.

If you let the fear that something might happen if you take a certain action govern your choices, then you’ll never ever do anything, and that is no way to live as far as I’m concerned.

They will have a great time in Tennessee and will have a chance to catchup with friends of old, one of which I understand is making the 8 hour drive so they can have some time together.

Thankyou

When I started this blog, I did so purely for personal reasons, to have somewhere to lay down “on paper” thoughts and ideas, things that sparked an emotion or just random things that I saw, heard.  Sometimes a vivid memory was roused and brought to the foreground of my mind.

I’d never considered anything like followers or that anyone would follow or even engage with anything I would have to say. Some of you have on occasion and others more regularly.

As the year drawers to a close I would like to say thank you to everyone who has engaged with me. Most especially Bianca, GiGi and Melanie.

This year has been pretty amazing for me and I’ve shared some of it through this medium. There are some things which are personal and still quite raw in emotion and in time even those topics will no doubt find there way here.

Take care one and all.